Chains Around My Heart

i’m getting stranger and stranger everyday. sometimes i act happy and i think i’m happy, but when i’m not with anyone, i think about how i just acted in front of people and i feel like an idiot for pretending to be happy. it doesn’t seem like there is anything worth waiting or living for. (i know i sound suicidal but you know i’m not)
i know my behaviour was very weird today. went to McDonalds with zhihao, candy and moyra, then selene came soon after. then instead of engaging in conversation, i took out my book and read. how antisocial can i get? in their words, “she’s such an antisocial Po!” (the Teletubbies Po) cos we pretended we were the Teletubbies and I WAS PO. and i was the only one that screwed up the Teletubbies song. okay i’m rambling. don’t listen to me.
one more thing. i realise that whenever i get home…
er-hem. sorry. wrong thing to blurt out. personal problems. if you want to know then ask me but maybe even if you ask i won’t even want to tell you cos it’s silly. i think you will find it silly.
NEVER MIND.
sorry. my moods are getting from bad to worse. WHYYYYYYYYYYY. (picture all those cartoon characters that throw their heads back and bawl like crazy. i’m acting like one now) WHYYYYYYYYY. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.
screaming in my head and trying to get answers, but they just don’t seem to come.
am currently so addicted to Richard Marx’s and Tracy Chapman’s songs! i’m sure you all know Richard Marx–Right Here Waiting, Hazard, Children of the Night, Endless Summer Nights, Chains Around My Heart–but not Tracy Chapman. am particularly attracted to this song of hers: Telling Stories. don’t be shocked when you hear her sing, cos she sounds like a guy. i also like Baby Can I Hold You, Bang Bang Bang, Fast Car and Open Arms. and i am especially psycho over Richard Marx’s Now and Forever. the lyrics are so nice. here they are (credits to www.lyrics007.com):

Now and Forever
Richard Marx
Whenever I’m weary from the battles that rage
in my head
You make sense of madness when my sanity
hangs by a thread
I lose my way but still you seam to understand
Now and forever
I will be your man

Sometimes I just hold you
Too caught up in me to see

I’m holding a fortune that heaven has given
to me
I’ll try to show you each and every way I can
Now and forever
I will be you man

Now I can rest my worries and always be sure
That I won’t be alone anymore
If I’d only known you were there all the time
All this time

Until the day the ocean doesn’t touch the
sand
Now and forever
I will be your man
Now and forever
I will be your man

Enzymes

1800-PSYCHOPATH!
i don’t feel like i got anything to post except for today’s extra rainy episode. it’s possibly one of the worse i’ve ever experienced. so much rain until everything looked misty in the distance and the pavements were all drowned in the rainwater.
was at white sands with zhihao helping emily with Enzymes and we ended up crapping over stupid stuff. after that we saw her Pelican outside and i told her he has no resemblance at all to that bird. haha. anyway.
this is what i got on the way home:
wet uniform,
wet shoes,
soggy socks,
6 flashes of lightnings (no i wasn’t struck; i saw them),
stunned people who gasped at me.

the only things that were not wet were darling’s letter and my ponytail! how ironic, when my fringe was all wet. the funny stuff came when the people saw how wet i was. one of them was a tomboyish girl who took one look at me and began tutting. and the rest were 2 guys and a girl who were near the lift and one of them went ‘wah’ when they saw me. for some reason i was very amused by them and i wanted to laugh but i would have been seen as a totally insane person.

okay i’m weird.
i messaged zhihao and emily. their replies:
zhihao: you’re crazy shit.
emily: hahaz..good for you!

i can just imagine their faces.

why do we feel silly when we see the words we wrote when we were angry, sad or not in the normal state of mind?

psychotic

dearest granny and zhihao and everybody else:
1/ i will not forget all of you
2/ i will keep in contact!
3/ i will be happy there
4/ i will always come back and see all of you
5/ you should not be sad!

will it make a difference when i’ve gone? i don’t know why but i keep thinking. hmmm.
i was in a totally foul mood today. don’t know why. was so tired and fed up. then lessons were so boring. here i am, going all typical-teenager again.

zhihao is psychotic and emily is insane! BOTH OF YOU SHOULDN’T SCOLD YOURSELF.

haven’t wasted

i know i keep telling people not to be sad that i’m going but they’re still sad. it’s going to be okay! you can survive without me! i’m not your oxygen or your heart. your life will still go on. honestly. it is impossible to stop people from saying it out even though they were not supposed to so whatever, say all you like. yes i’m lucky to be going, i know that. (please don’t make your eyes go so big they look like they’re about to pop out like Popeye’s)

it’ll be nice having a new life. i’m not going to waste one chance like this. you won’t have to create an earthquake or a tsunami, you really don’t have to.

my head hurts over this. i’m going to miss everyone, i know. it can’t be helped.

i haven’t wasted my life here. i’ve grown tired of my life here. so it’s just best to go. actually my parents wanted to go when i was in primary 6 but they decided to wait until O levels. my dad says we should just pick ourselves up and go, or we’ll never dare to make a move. but i think we dare to now.

come to think of it, someday, everyone has to get a new life. change your routines. change your style. be someone else. why do you have to be stuck with the same things when you grow up and grow old until you die? you don’t have to. what about that Australian guy who sold his life away to move on? i think that was interesting.

what about giving your life away? is it worth it in exchange for a new one?

sorry,

i’m sorry because i:
neglected you,
didn’t realise how you felt,
made everything so hard for you,
never made enough time for you.

and among so many other things.
i didn’t mean to.

sorry, i really am.
but they say saying sorry doesn’t help at all.

(i wish it does)

i hope zhihao will be happy, i hope emily will be happy also, i hope you’ll be happy, i hope everyone in the world will be happy.

and for those who want to know what’s going on, I’M LEAVING NEXT YEAR.
i’m not saying anymore.

the point of madness

replies:
EM–i think i’m okay. uh, should be. YOU okay or not? after NBC you were so dead.

XUELING–i don’t want my blog to rot! haha. and i don’t want to eat marigold jelly. yay gold!

YIJIN–granny! (huimin’s my mummy right?) haha maybe i won’t delete. still thinking!

Lost
Michael Buble
I can’t believe it’s over
I watched the whole thing fall
And I never saw the writing that was on the wall
If I’d only knew
The days were slipping past
That the good things never last
That you were crying

Summer turned to winter
And the snow it turned to rain
And the rain turned into tears upon your face
I hardly recognize the girl you are today
And God I hope it’s not too late
It’s not too late

‘Cause you are not alone
I’m always there with you
And we’ll get lost together
Until the light comes pouring through
It’s when you feel like you’re done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you’re not lost
When your world’s crashing down
And you can’t bear the cross
I said, babe, you’re not lost

Life can show no mercy
It can tear your soul apart
It can make you feel like you’ve gone crazy but you’re not
Things have seemed to change
There’s one thing that’s still the same
In my heart you have remained
And we can fly fly fly away

‘Cause you are not alone
And I am there with you
And we’ll get lost together
Until the light comes pouring through
It’s when you feel like you’re done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you’re not lost
And the world’s crashing down
And you can not bear the cross
I said, baby, you’re not lost
I said, baby, you’re not lost
I said, baby, you’re not lost
I said, baby, you’re not lost

credits: www.lyricstime.com

GOLD!

feel the word in your mouth, rolling off your tongue.
relish it.

of course, we can’t be complacent just because we got Gold for NBC. there’s still SYF. and many others to come as the years past…
thank you to all the leaders (except myself) and the alumni, especially those who have always helped us. and definitely thank you mr and mrs chua! as well as the teachers. and the seniors who came and watched us during NBC.

there seems to be something really wrong with me.
i can never stay happy for ONE FULL DAY.
if i become happy and very hyper, i will get super moody after i tone down.
why can’t i stay happy for a whole day?
my sis says i’m pessimistic. yeah i agree.
it’s just that–

the time’s slipping away…

and i can’t do anything.
i can’t say anything to stop time from flowing out of my grasp.
and that makes me feel so angry and frustrated.
i don’t want to see your tears, don’t want to hear your words behind me.
i want to clamp my hands over my ears and yell and scream.
i want to cry, but i can’t get the tears out.
what’s the use in forcing them out if they’re going to be fake?
suddenly i realise, i don’t even know why i go to school for.
losing interest in everything, even English. it’s like, i can’t bring myself to bother anymore. why do i have to? not like anyone will care if i’m sitting in my seat or not. they don’t.
there will never be a difference.
sick to death of all the faking, trying to find someone, trying to talk to someone.
all failing miserably.
you know the feeling, when you try to tell someone something, but the person just never hears? or the feeling when you try to keep yourself from yelling vulgarities and stomping away? or the feeling when you just want the person to go away but the person just keeps bugging you?
that kind of ‘GO AWAY YOU BLOODY IDIOT BEFORE I CLOBBER YOU’ feeling.
and everytime i have to bite my tongue cos i don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. why can’t you go away? leave me alone. i’m sick of you, sick of going to school just for the sake of going to school, just for the sake of a good record. why do i bloody have to? why does everyone have to?
why do i even try changing things, when i know they won’t change? WHY? why do i even THINK of changing things, when i have already warned myself that they won’t? and yet, i still try, and still fail, and still cry. everytime, i brace myself for the disappointment, but it comes to me harder than i’d prepared myself for. i don’t think i should brace myself any longer.
that feeling when you cave in, that feeling when you simply throw everything down and walk away because you can’t be bothered anymore, that feeling when you know that nothing’s going to change even in your absence. NOTHING AT ALL. everyone’s going to be busy doing their own stuff and one day they’ll look up and realise, hey, you’re gone. but they’re not going to stop and think. they’re not going to wonder where you went. they won’t even try to remember when was the last time they saw you. and why should they, when you’re not part of their lives anyway?
when you try so hard to watch out for that person, to make that person a part of your life, how do you feel when the person just won’t care about you because the person has other people in mind? how would you feel?
sometimes you feel you ought to be shot.
but you know you can’t kill yourself.
cos you can’t.
disappointment, anger, moodiness…tired of it all. don’t even want to try and slap a damn smile on my face. don’t want to bother. no one bothers, anyway, whether they see a smile or not.
when you receive praises, do you start wondering if you deserve it? do you? they say you should graciously accept it and say ‘thank you’, but what if you didn’t even need it in the first place? after all, you’re not the type who lives on praises, who needs praises to survive each day.
i won’t answer if you ask if i’m okay or if you ask why i’m sad. because i don’t even know why.
i want to confess everything, but i can’t.
so i’ll keep it within myself, until i am driven to the point of madness.
am close to it, anyway.
i really want to go away. i really want to.

delete

i think i should delete my blog so i will have no reason to go online anymore.

don’t know why i feel sad ):

still considering.

thank you

EMILY: ghosts! haha. never mind i won’t bother about this too much.

i’m sorry i badmouthed you. (please don’t be angry with me; it was a foolish thing to do)
but believe me, we didn’t circulate anything; it was just among the 2 of us.
i’m glad we sorted everything out with the help of jonathan.
i hope that we won’t have this kind of conflict again.
i hope we will be able to work better now that we know teamwork is essential.
it’s good that we got all of this out before NBC.
it’s good that we pointed out the mistakes that we were all making.
thank you all of you.
and thank you yunyee and zariel for helping me chiong all the full names for mdm zaibon.

i guess we didn’t manage to connect and communicate since the handing over seem so rushed and hasty and all of us weren’t that close like good friends. plus the band wasn’t really in a very good state when the ex-leaders left. but now that i feel that everyone is making an effort to REALLY do their part, i am really, really happy. especially when we got nothing to hide among each other now. none of us knew what we were really supposed to do and it’s good that we finally got the job scopes (AFTER 3 LAGGY MONTHS) and found out what our duties are. i hope that we can really have a chance in bringing the band back up to the standards it was supposed to be at and that we can really make band just about the best CCA anyone could go to. maybe i’m asking too much, but there’s hope. just a tiny bit of hope.

the exchange at Fairfield Methodist yesterday gave us more exposure. Crescent Girls, Anglican High and Choa Chu Kang were also there. they were all good apart from some tiny mistakes. all of them made thank-you cards for us and we were so ashamed because we had nothing to give them except our music and they gave us more than music. ): next time, remember to make something! especially for your sections in the other schools! it’s about the only way to bond.

joanne and i slept on the way back (a nice 40-minute ride from Dover all the way to Pasir Ris and that’s abour 22 MRT stations! if you take the MRT from Pasir Ris to Dover i think you’ll take about 1 and a half hours? around there) and then the saxophone section beside us was laughing like delirious hyenas and they woke me up by whispering my name and calling. (dots) oh well. mix fun, craziness and laughter and you get a very united section like the saxophones. this is good and bad in a way. good thing is you will be able to work together and still enjoy yourself. the bad thing is that the section may keep playing during sectionals and combined?

got stomach ache afterward and even though i wanted to go home, zhihao and emily dragged me to have lunch with them. eunice, beixi and jacob came along too. cassandra initially wanted to come with us but she couldn’t cos i think she got violin lesson. we went to Terminal 1 and they ate at Popeye (or is it Popeye’s?) and i was hunched over a Chinese magazine called 读者. when they finished they were all so full and they sat there relaxing and chatting and i don’t know how they did it but they directed the conversation to someone and began talking bad about him/her. and i said they were being so mean and eunice said i’m so kind and called me a samaritan (although i’m not one). they were all laughing like crazy people and their laughing was all so contagious!

went to Terminal 3 later and it was there we went up to the Viewing Mall. eunice met her friend there.
and this is what we saw below:

nice trolleys eh?
later we went to The Coffee Connoisseur and

my goodness we didn’t fit in there!

eunice and her friend went off to look at stuff.
zhihao didn’t know what to decide so i told him to close his eyes, anyhow point his finger at something and then open his eyes to see what he was pointing at. ‘isn’t that how you make choices?’ i asked him.
‘no,’ came his reply.
wouldn’t it be great if the choices you make in life were that simple? just point from a menu and that’ll be your decision.
zhihao ordered iced lemon tea and beixi decided to get a cold chocolate.
and when the guy came…
‘who is the one having the iced lemon tea?’
zhihao indicated it was him and the person served it to him with this small jug of clear liquid in it.

‘and the one taking the cold chocolate?’
after he left, zhihao was staring at us and saying, ‘i thought how come mr l** was here!’ and we were all trying not to laugh cos this was a high-class coffee-HOUSE we were in and not some normal coffee-SHOP or kopitiam where all the ah-peks drink Tiger beer, smoke and qiao4 jiao3.

don’t you think the glass containing the tea has a super sexy stem? so curvy like a woman!
as though beixi is a guy and zhihao is a girl. i’m kidding, don’t be offended!
the glass was too tall for beixi and zhihao was curious what the clear liquid in the small jug was and he drank some of it.
and then his whole face screwed up like he was having constipation and then we had to restrain our laughter again!
the liquid turned out to be sugar water for the tea.
the very ‘no-taste’ tea.
‘no taste!’ poured sugar water in. sipped. ’still no taste!’ poured some more. sipped. ’still no taste!’
by this time zhihao was so frantic and it was damn comical. this is what we call ‘high-class iced lemon tea’. so sad.
here’s the super sexy stem up close:

i got water, by the way. stupid zhihao plopped a lemon into it.

and because it was a little hot (and you know that i get scared when the thing is too hot, which shows that i fail in the kitchen!) i was holding the glass gingerly and emily and zhihao said that i’m so 斯文. which again, i am not.

later they became crazy and started mixing the sugar water, lemon tea and cold chocolate together. and they squeezed the lemons to get a tangy taste.
it was quite nice, i guess. beixi’s tastebuds so 迟顿. she drank the mixture, did nothing for two seconds and then she went, ‘eh, very sweet!’
i tried it and it was mostly sweet with a hint of lemon.
emily and zhihao said it was damn damn damn sweet.
we tricked jacob into believing the clear liquid was water and asked him to drink it. and then he realised it was sugar water!
they squeezed more lemon juice into the mixture.
beixi: ‘eee, now so sour!’
jacob: ’so sour now.’
emily: *cough cough* ‘eee still so sweet, can’t stand it!’
zhihao: ’still very sweet!’
me: ‘both sweet and sour.’
i seemed to be the only neutral one there. i wonder what would eunice’s reaction have been. haha!
zhihao called for the bill (how come i make him sound like a gentleman when he’s not one? haha, i’m kidding. zhihao’s a nice gentleman) and because he found the mixture too sweet, he ordered a glass of iced water and then he, emily and beixi were snatching the fish-bowl glass (as beixi called it) so they could drink the water. (so immature)
we could finally laugh as loud as we liked when we left the coffee-house. of course not so loud that you go ‘HAHAHAHAHAH’ and everyone in the airport can hear you. but still, no need to restrain anymore!
we walked towards the skytrain and then they kept stepping at the back of each other’s shoes. see so immature. all of us except zhihao went to the skytrain. he went to find the arrival hall to meet Derek Bourgeious, who came down yesterday.
we parted ways, one by one. beixi went to the train bound for Boon Lay, while jacob, emily and i went to the one bound for Pasir Ris. jacob went off at simei, emily went off at tampines and i went off at pasir ris. and when i was going down the steps from the platform, still smiling to myself over such a crazy day, someone called me.
it just happened to be weijun and he said i looked so flushed.
me: ‘haha, i’m just happy.’
him: ‘what, you got a boyfriend?’
me: ‘no, i went out and…had a lot of fun.’
i couldn’t possibly narrate to him all that i’d just experienced–all the fun and laughter suddenly seemed strange compared to a not-really-easygoing person. so anyway, yes, i did have fun. and i asked him about the MCs that were making the file bulge and for the soft copy of the attendance lists. he was shocked that they’d all been used up so fast cos he told me he’d printed 15 sheets each for each level. i didn’t realise all the lists finish so fast.

oh well. it has been a rather long time since i went out apart from the time i went to watch The Leap Years with pork, mushroom and 老公. i’ve just run through my June, October, November and December 2007 archives and have found no entry when i went out to play. and i remember for a fact that i haven’t gone out for the whole sec2 year unless you count the time i went to do the art project with zhihao, pork, auntie lee and clar. sec1…? i don’t think i went out during the December holidays 2006…

6 months in 2006 (went out in June 2006 only),
1 whole year of not going out in 2007 except for The Seeker in October,
6 months in 2008 of not going out except for The Leap Years in February.

so it’s like 3 months but if you count in everything ever since sec1 (all the times i haven’t gone out) then it’s a year and 10 months.
but it’s not that i really like home, anyway.

ca-SHI-no

replying…
EM: so sad, why cannot find xiao hei? and you today didn’t come band, are you sick?

PORK: mushy sister! haha. no it didn’t snow in Australia.

AUNTIE LEE: can’t believe you missed me. i’m so ‘missable’? you can be the next Marigold advertiser okay. good luck in promoting their products. (:

‘Lee-VEES ah? Eh, back-SWESH. Sing-GA-pore…ca-SHI-no…Bhu-DAN…okay okay? can ah can ah…’
geog students will know who i’m quoting heh.
if ms ng ever hears him i think she’ll yell at him until he don’t dare come teach anymore.
worse thing is that he seems totally normal on the computer.
(until he starts his Singlish-y lessons)

(:

my blog is dead again ):

first winter

PORKY! yay you came and tagged. i’m not angry with that person anymore, i’m just gonna ignore. heehee. you haven’t finished your chemistry work? i haven’t either. and i got no present sorry!

DARLING EMILY, hello! am blogging especially for you. did you find your xiao hei?

AUNTIE LEE: got no present! why you want so many presents, later your house no more space!

SANTA! who says i’m crazy? i’m perfectly normal, as you can see here. (:

STEPH–don’t give the tweet language (euux)! so gross. haha what’s your height? 165?

hahhhhhh back!
with:
dry skin,
lots of novels,
a pair of Havaianas,
a very special mirror,
barely completed homework,
the experience of watching Aussie football (now that was fun),
lots of kisses and hugs &
memories of my first winter in Australia.

and also a longing to see everyone again (:
oh well. it was quite fun. when Australians say football, they mean rugby with Aussie rules. haha so everyone of us sat there at the Melbourne Cricket Grounds on a rather cold day from 2-5 and watched the (Footscray) Western Bulldogs versus the Brisbane Lions. the score: 131 (Bulldogs) and 68 (Lions). damn cool! Jonathan Brown from the Lions is a really good player. he kicks well.

i know it may seem a bit shocking that me, someone who doesn’t really like sports, actually enjoyed football. all you see is a bunch of guys chasing a ball, but it was rather cool when you see the crowd and taste the excitement. there were 39 320 people at the stadium that day.

hope that your holidays have been…exciting? fun? lovely? enjoyable? (i think none of the mentioned since everyone has so much work) but anyway, wish all of you luck. in completing your work.

how to tell you this?

i can only hope you won’t be too shocked.