it has been almost a month!
replies:
emily: haha okay. scores are quite easy to read (i think). why do you think you don’t deserve thanks? i’m going to have exams in november!
first top fan: i ate the grape in the end. you know where i am anyway!
zhihao: it’s okay, i’m glad i have your birthday message all the same. (: i hope you had a good time in Europe!
xueling: what other name would you use? auntie lee? (: haha hope you’re well!
joy: but you’re never emo! how could it have been an emo post? you still sounded reasonably upbeat. i think it had seeds. i ate the grape anyway. haha. don’t worry, i will never waste food. it’s silly. seedless grapes are GM!
pork: ahhh pork why didn’t you comment at the latest post? haha, anyway, nice to hear from you! haha, yeah, lots of halvies. yes…it does seem unreal. (: what would happen if you went overseas to study? haha. it wouldn’t be unreal to you anymore. technically i’ll be back before next year haha. how does he know i’ve put on weight? psychic! bye for now (:
holidays. second week.
while i enjoy the idea of lazy days, just sitting around eating and reading (and sleeping), it’s too relaxed to let me fully relax. as in, i would just stop taking note of time and dates. (i get absolutely annoyed when that happens) this holiday have been just about the best one i can remember–i know that statement sounds funny. you may think, what about primary school holidays? but i admit, all my primary school memories are gone now.
i don’t remember anything about primary school but the teachers–some of them. the Indian teacher in primary 1, the very nice teacher in primary 2, the old teacher who fainted in class (primary 3), the teacher whom many people disliked (primary 4), the math teacher in primary 5 who taught us a greeting that we sang in her class, the chinese teacher in primary 5 and 6 who was absolutely inspirational and gave us lots of work regardless of the weather (hot, stiffling, crazy, humid).
i remember not liking primary school, not because of the chinese that i could not cope with or because of unreasonable teachers but the classmates. i never understood why i could never fit in with them. i stuck with a few friends, but lost touch with them after primary school was over. i never knew what to say to people or how to play with them. my classmates enjoyed playing cards. but i never knew any card games (until this year) and could never play with them. i was unpopular. still am, but that doesn’t matter. i remember being desperate about getting good results. i might have been exceptionally desperate, but the memories have faded away and the more i try to think about it the more i find that i can’t remember what the feelings were then.
i was the kind of person who never got good-enough results even though i studied so much. that much i remember. i think this problem wasn’t so severe when i got to secondary school. thinking back now, i think i might have been confused about who i was. and then frustrated because i couldn’t find out what i was meant to do. i didn’t understand half the things in my life, about my parents attending more to my younger brother. but i get it now. and it’s good that things are a lot clearer now.
maybe i began remembering FULLY sometime last year. or it might have been i disliked the years so much that i just erased the memories and can’t remember anything now. i don’t know. what do you think? have you ever felt like that? have you felt the need to understand why things are the way they are and why sometimes no matter what you do you will never be able to change them? now that things are a lot clearer, i find that you only start understanding when you are more mature. (does not mean that i’m mature enough) but i’m glad that i’m at this level. i’m glad that i began thinking too much (and sometimes driving myself a little crazy) just so i could understand more. is this a bit like being enlightened? i wonder.
i hope i can get out of school soon, because i really don’t like timetables. while i like some structure in my life, i don’t want it to be governed by a timetable created by someone else.
sometimes i wonder if working hard is enough. if you work hard enough, shouldn’t you get a rest? i think my mum works too hard, especially since she got the regional job in her company. sometimes she works until it’s 9 (she has conference calls with about 8 countries in the Asia-Pacific region and the time is all different). recently she worked until it was 10 at night. too much! but how much can i say right? if she’s not having calls, she has to answer emails. she seems to be doing the job of 3 people. and when my sis and i told her not to work already cos she had a long working day, she told us to shut up. i don’t know if she was kidding about that or not.
i hope prelims and exams are going well, for sec 1s (although i don’t know who they are) to 4s and for JCers and Polyers (do they have exams?). and to anyone else i know who has exams. oh, that reminds me. i’m going for ABRSM grade 7 piano exam on 21 October. i’m going to have it in the orchestra room in the school’s music school. it will be at 4.12 pm. i wonder why all these exams have such funny times.
oh yes. i went for 2 scholarships (one was an Old Collegians’ one and the other was a music one). i got neither. at least i have the one that pays 40% of my school fees.
sometimes i really wish i didn’t have to compete. sometimes people get so clever that they stop being nice-enough altogether. i’d rather be nice and stupid.
some people are very confusing. sometimes they smile at you, other times they ignore you. sometimes they seem quite nice, other times they are just not nice. sometimes they talk to you, other times they just refuse to make eye contact. isn’t it better sometimes to just be antisocial?
anyway, to everyone who wished me happy birthday, thank you (: thank you also if you read all the way here.
