since toilet said because of me your whole day was affected, i shall leave you from now on since i’m causing so much stress and hurt to you.
i can’t say anything. whatever i say just hurts people.
i’ll go away soon.
then everyone will be happy forever.
i’m sorry.
i didn’t mean to make you angry.
i didn’t even mean to say i was angry.
we’ll be normal classmates if you like.
not Siamese twins.
cuts on my heart now, you can’t see them.
you said i broke your heart.
i probably have.
it’s not just you i’ve hurt.
i’ve hurt other people as well.
maybe muzi is right.
we should split if things don’t turn out right.
so we’re splitting now.
we’ll split anyway.
so i’m breaking the whole group up again,
when it probably just got back together?
it never really got together.
my doubts were never cleared.
your words didn’t look like concern,
how did you want me to read through them?
concern wasn’t seen as agitation.
i stated that clearly in the third last post.
you didn’t see
and neither did i.
so it’s clearly over.
this time we didn’t fight because of the class.
we fought because of ourselves.
silent conflict.
you didn’t hear anything.
and i won’t hear anything.
all i ask for is forgiveness and love.
no one will give it to anyone.
neither will you.
i’m tired, too tired.
don’t want to fight with you anymore,
can’t help you anymore,
like i did before.
the road forks now.
you know these are my last words to you.
it’s time to go solitary.
bye.
“Men kick friendship around like a football and it doesn’t seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it falls to pieces”
Anne Lindbergh
“Friendship is delicate as a glass, once broken it can be fixed but there will always be cracks”
Waqas Ahmad
“True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen.”
Waqas Ahmad
broken friendship quotes aren’t making me better. i don’t want to cry anymore.
on friday.
i wrote from 5.40 to 6.20.
i just wrote and wrote nonstop, got very long paragraphs.
told my journal how sorry i was for everything that i made.
it’s just like chemical changes.
new products are formed and it’s irrevisible.
i said how sorry i was on my blog, people thought i was being stupid.
for moping around when it’s over and done with.
maybe because they haven’t felt guilt.
leave me be, okay?
don’t say you got nothing to say.
i was basically telling joycelyn the reason for everything.
these are the adjectives that would describe me perfectly now, at this moment-
drifting.
bored.
lazy.
tired.
bad.
mean.
unable to communicate with anyone effectively.
selfish.
i’m saying this because i keep having mood swings. i can’t help it.
at the dinner table today i was feeling so moody that i got no appetite and kept showing a black face to my dad and later when he asked me to eat the fish i said, ‘i don’t want to eat anymore.’ then i think he got agitated and didn’t care about me for the rest of the meal. so i was just sitting there, just thinking, as all my emotions when through in my heart. it felt so heavy. when my dad saw the platter of vegetables just lying over there with no one touching it, he made us eat it. then i’m so tired physically (and emotionally) that i had to push myself just to pick up the chopsticks. my dad got fed up and threw vegetables into my bowl, saying, ’stop being so expressionless! that’s you, expressionless!’ i got really angry then, thinking he don’t understand. why doesn’t anyone understand or try to relate to me? i saw my grandma dissecting the fish and putting it into her mouth and just looking at the poor fish (or should i say, bones) made me want to cry for some reason. i later told my sister, my emotions were all in my heart, that’s why no one could see them and they just assumed and guessed my feelings. i wasn’t expressionless. she said ‘of course he’s irritated that you keep showing black face…just like when he comes home showing a black face to you.’ i know why he comes home with a black face, it’s because he’s tired, he’s got a long day at work and he wants to rest. it’s the same for me. i come home with a black face because i’m tired, i’ve got a long day in school and i want to rest. so i wish that he’d please understand. i just want to sit down and push everything away and just talk to someone for a long, long time. never mind homework. homework can wait. i’m just so sick of school and homework, it’s driving me nuts. but i can’t talk to anyone, because no one has time to talk or sleep. everything is homework. and some more i can’t talk to anyone because they all got problems, i cannot worry them anymore. and some more i feel like got no more really close friends to confide in. and…her. she knows i’m ignoring her. but i got to explain to her that i’m very tired, i really got no energy, physically and emotionally, it’s like the other day i just turned around and i was already feeling dizzy, so i hope that she won’t get angry with me and wait for me. during D&T, she talked to me and i wanted to answer, i really did, but then i saw that she wasn’t doing her D&T work and i thought she should do her work, when we finish our work then we talk, so i said ‘why don’t you do your D&T?’ and i think she misintepreted the meaning in my words, thought i was trying to push her away and she got agitated with me and went, ‘fine.’ in that i’m-angry-but-i’m-trying-not-to-show-it tone. i really didn’t mean it that way, so please don’t take it to heart. but when i saw her comment at the post where joycelyn and i had a conversation saying ‘i have nothing to say…’ i flared up. i didn’t ask her to say anything, so if you having nothing to say, don’t say. don’t agitate me anymore, i’m so tired. if she has nothing to say, then please don’t say. i hate looking at redundant comments like those. i joined the storytelling course to accompany candy and the rest and also to benefit myself and i get people saying i neglect them and i have no time to spend with them. since when did i become so wanted? or maybe it’s not wanted; i don’t know what’s that. but recently i just want to lie down and close my eyes and listen to music and slack for a while. i’m not paying attention in class, i don’t know what’s going on in her life, she keeps being so vulgar on her blog…i don’t know what’s wrong with me. listening to other people talk about their problems…it comforts me, it makes me feel at least normal. it’s only when i listen to people that i feel that i’m not such a weird person, a nerd or geek or whatever they call me. kind of nice to hear someone talking to you and confiding in you. okay. i’ve talked too much. cannot say anything anymore before someone agitates me further or i agitate someone. i already promised myself not to write stuff that will agitate people. i’m going to try and stop being so moody, should probably snap out of my mood swings now.
all i ask of everyone:
mutual respect.
love.
care.
happiness.
wisdom.
honesty.
loyalty.
forgiveness.
guess what.
i have too many things to say.
i have too many doubts to clear.
i have too little energy left.
so from now on,
this blog shall only be for when i am not angry, not sad, not crying, not irritated, not pissed, not psychotic, not lame, not dumb, not stupid, not idiotic, not retarded. none of the above and more bad feelings.
i shall just hide my problems.
i’ll scribble it onto a piece of paper and keep it in my file.
i’ll stop being selfish.
stop being idiotic.
stop pissing people off.
stop worrying people.
stop thinking of the bad stuff that people possess.
stop thinking of perfect friends.
stop thinking of the problems i have.
stop being such a perfectionist.
stop being so uptight and paranoid.
stop throwing my temper.
i’ll help people.
care for people.
love people.
see the good points in people.
i’ll remember that there’ll always be people who have bigger problems than me.
remember that no one–especially me–is perfect.
remember the times when got too serious and i had to step out.
remember the stuff i did that made people sad and angry.
why am i doing this?
i don’t want to upset people anymore.
i feel that i don’t make people happy.
i may be tiring myself out if i try to do this.
but i don’t want to hurt people anymore.
every night i wonder if anyone feels i hurt them.
if i did, i’m sorry.
because i didn’t mean to.
*
audrey once asked me, ‘By making other people happy, are you yourself happy?’
i thought about it.
thought about the times i tried making the 4 of them happy.
‘When people are happy, I’m happy too.’
most of the time.
80% of the time.
audrey said, ‘But you can’t always make everyone happy.’
‘I can’t be happy when people around me are not happy.’
‘I’d rather make myself happy than make other people happy. Sometimes it’s more important.’
today’s PE lesson was probably the most interesting one i ever had.
it wasn’t just because we girls were competing against boys.
the game was slow but vicious.
it wasn’t like the girls, who were quite fast in finding who to throw to.
with the guys, you actually had to pause. look around. where’re the safe spots? who are the girls who’re capable of catching the ball? where are the guys standing? are they right behind the girls, in front of the girls…
the boys’ team was stronger, much stronger than girls, because they’re guys (obviously) and because of reyro, bryan, wei cong, rayner. all the sporty people. wei cong is tall; he has an advantage.
they won 5 to nil. it was just a game. learned more sportsmanship. but the guys were really proud and stuff. they knew they would win and so they were overconfident. bursting with confidence. they think they know more about sports than girls. which is not exactly true. yes, they could jump high, grab the ball, hit the ball away from the opponent. but it’s just playing rough, that’s how the guys get their way. girls don’t play rough. but one game with the guys and you know that the next time, you have to strategize. think before you actually let go off the ball.
shiming was angry with the guys’ cockiness. cocky–if you don’t know–is overly self-confident. i couldn’t blame her for feeling that way; she has a thing against guys. it was just a game. it wasn’t like boys are girls’ enemy. it’s not like anyone was going to blame the girls if we lost. it wasn’t even life and death. it was just a game.
it’s hard to make her change her mind.
i felt helpless.
there’s so many meanings to ‘game’.
well goodbye. the…i’m just staring blankly at the screen.
i don’t know what to write.
conversation between joycelyn and i on napfa day (tuesday 17/07/07). i’m sorry joycelyn but i can’t find gold. and sorry for making you wait since yesterday!
TWO CRAZY GIRLS IN ACTION. RIGHT THERE. i mean below.
:{ No man is an island. says:
anger kind of changes you
PISSED OFFF. YOU ALL DONT DESERVE IT. says:
oh
;{ No man is an island. says:
when you’re angry, you think of all the horrible stuff because you’re so ‘high’
;{ No man is an island. says:
then later when you become normal again, you will think that all the horrible stuff you thought of was like totally stupid
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
‘high’?
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
oh ya
;{ No man is an island. says:
yeah, ‘high’, because you’re angry
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
scolding makes me feel high
;{ No man is an island. says:
scolding>
;{ No man is an island. says:
you scold people or people scold you?
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
haha
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
i socld
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
lolloll
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
…
;{ No man is an island. says:
really
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
grh
;{ No man is an island. says:
haha
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
hahaa
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
erm yea
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
think so
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
lol
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
sometimes/
;{ No man is an island. says:
i will feel bad when i scold people
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
really
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
i dont
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
when i scold
;{ No man is an island. says:
haha
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
and think im right
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
ahaa
;{ No man is an island. says:
because i don’t like scolding
;{ No man is an island. says:
and i know that other people also don’t like scolding
;{ No man is an island. says:
anyway
;{ No man is an island. says:
after i scold people
;{ No man is an island. says:
i will feel super bad
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
haha
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
i feel okok now
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
yays
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
olviia is nice
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
she took the iniative to call and ask if im ok
;{ No man is an island. says:
that’s good
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
the first thing that she said was
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
hm
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
cant rmb
;{ No man is an island. says:
hahah
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
maybe what homework?
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
then second
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
ehhh u ok?
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
so nice hehehe
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
=D
;{ No man is an island. says:
haha
;{ No man is an island. says:
funny la you
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
haha
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
i just smsed her saying thanks
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
(:
;{ No man is an island. says:
that’s good
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
=D
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
hee
;{ No man is an island. says:
remember never to get so pissed when someone pisses you off
;{ No man is an island. says:
because you will regret a lot when you calm down
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
yep
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
haha
;{ No man is an island. says:
just like when i thought clarissa and zhihao don’t care about the rest of us
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
thanks for listening just now
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
** =) **
;{ No man is an island. says:
and i said i wanted to leave the group i was sick of
;{ No man is an island. says:
haha no problem
;{ No man is an island. says:
hey
;{ No man is an island. says:
i feel like saying something
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
erm sure
;{ No man is an island. says:
but i just don’t know if i should or not
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
it’s up to you
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
if you say
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
i will listen
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
haha
;{ No man is an island. says:
before i got angry with clarissa and zhihao
;{ No man is an island. says:
okay thanks
;{ No man is an island. says:
i was very happy with the group and i loved them all as my friends
;{ No man is an island. says:
and i always tried not to get angry with them
;{ No man is an island. says:
i thought we were close friends
;{ No man is an island. says:
then after that clarissa and zhihao suddenly keep going together
;{ No man is an island. says:
and i got angry because i treated all of us as a group together
;{ No man is an island. says:
and i thought they didn’t care about us anymore
;{ No man is an island. says:
that’s why i told them that i wanted to leave the group because i felt they didn’t treat us seriously
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
oh
;{ No man is an island. says:
after i calmed down
;{ No man is an island. says:
i realised what i’d did was so hurtful
;{ No man is an island. says:
xueling told shiming that after band she went home, thought of the scene i’d caused and she cried
;{ No man is an island. says:
and shiming was so sad
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
oh
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
hais
;{ No man is an island. says:
and i felt so bad for both of them because i made shiming stuck in the middle and made xueling sad
;{ No man is an island. says:
and i regret so much and i’m damn guilty
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
so did they forgive you?
;{ No man is an island. says:
that’s why my recent posts all so sad
;{ No man is an island. says:
the truth is i don’t know
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
oh
;{ No man is an island. says:
i don’t know whether they forgive me or not
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
but now u all are tgt le ?
;{ No man is an island. says:
but from this
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
right?
;{ No man is an island. says:
i realised
;{ No man is an island. says:
you can never really depend on anyone to call them your best friends
;{ No man is an island. says:
we hang out together again
;{ No man is an island. says:
but now
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
hm
;{ No man is an island. says:
i feel like i don’t really love them anymore
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
haiya stacey
;{ No man is an island. says:
yeah?
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
hm
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
i duno what to say
;{ No man is an island. says:
i’m sorry
;{ No man is an island. says:
i talked too much
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
im a lousy adviser
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
haa no…
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
where got
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
i think i talk more.
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
hehe.
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
hm
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
i feel that actually they still care for you stacey!!
;{ No man is an island. says:
maybe
;{ No man is an island. says:
that’s why i’m so guilty and i regretted what i told them
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
like olivia, she just told me that she told ms khoo that i was having a stomache so ms khoo said even if i dont have mc it’s ok
;{ No man is an island. says:
but i don’t know
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
WOW I WAS SO TOUCHED
;{ No man is an island. says:
like that also can
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
ya
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
she actually helped me!
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
yay
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
i love my friends
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
so you should too.
;{ No man is an island. says:
i know
;{ No man is an island. says:
but after this
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
if they really love you they’ll forgive you
;{ No man is an island. says:
i just kind of lost feeling
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
even if they don’t show it, in their hearts, they had long ago forgave you.
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
hm
;{ No man is an island. says:
i don’t know
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
same applies to me and jiayee
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
after she went out with sam
;{ No man is an island. says:
i feel that even if they don’t forgive me
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
hm nope.
;{ No man is an island. says:
i don’t mind
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
wait
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
after jiayee went out with sam at first
;{ No man is an island. says:
because i’m a very bad friend and i don’t deserve forgiveness
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
NO
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
why must u thinlk like tht
;{ No man is an island. says:
because i’m guilty for all the bad stuff i’ve done and given to them
;{ No man is an island. says:
because i want them to be happy
;{ No man is an island. says:
that’s why i understand if they don’t forgive me and not care about me anymore
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
hm
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
okay
;{ No man is an island. says:
imagine if i said that to you
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
i feel that its chim
;{ No man is an island. says:
wouldn’t you ignore me forever
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
nope.
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
i’ll find ways to cure this friendship
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
but again
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
u see…
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
after jy went out with sam at first
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
i was bloody pissed and think that she didnt care abt me and oli
;{ No man is an island. says:
uh huh
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
so, best of friends now became.. FRIENDS
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
pure friends
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
sometimes i dont bother to talk to her
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
after a while
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
i didnt try my best to save our friendship
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
and its gone now.
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
maybe i’ve regretted, maybe i’ve not
;{ No man is an island. says:
but if you know it’s a true friendship you would have tried to save it
;{ No man is an island. says:
that’s what i thought i was doing
;{ No man is an island. says:
i thought of us as one together
;{ No man is an island. says:
and when clarissa and zhihao went off together i thought our group would be falling apart
;{ No man is an island. says:
and i was scared
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
okay
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
oh
;{ No man is an island. says:
so i was angry
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
i bet u love me as much xD
sorry, i think i shouldn’t. says:
erm just jk
;{ No man is an island. says:
i misunderstood them all the while
;{ No man is an island. says:
haha yes i do
that was the breaking point that i reached recently.
it’s mostly my fault.
i don’t know why i was being so uptight about it.
perhaps it was stress.
and i got really bad-tempered.
i hope i don’t reach another breaking point.
i don’t want to hurt other people anymore.
but from this…
i learned that you can’t really call anyone your best friends.
unless they tell you so.
it will no longer be me.
i have always thought that i helped people, or at least made them feel better when they were going through some bad time.
now, i’ve made people feel worse.
it’s just hard to laugh, hard to smile now.
i have to force myself to laugh, force myself to smile, bite my tongue when i wanted to yell out my frustration for letting things become this way.
pain can’t be erased just like that, with a snap of your fingers.
nothing can be erased like that.
there is no other explanation for my bad behaviour.
it’s just myself.
i’m shocked.
this is me?
i don’t even feel like myself.
i do want to laugh with everyone, be happy, have no obstructions, live my life to the fullest.
but.
i can’t even make it work anymore.
i don’t say hello to anyone.
i lose track of time.
i’m always drifting away.
i don’t know anything that’s going on around me.
words don’t comfort.
will crying do?
i can’t cry. i won’t cry.
i have to be brave and stop thinking of crying.
i have to stand up and think of something to make up for the bad stuff i’ve given to them.
i want to say sorry, but now, even sorry won’t cure anything.
i feel…really, really lost.
do you know? when people say…’the crazy person i am is no longer me’? i think, that’s so emo.
but now, i’m starting to realise what they mean.
when their happiness has all seeped away, when there’s nothing left but heavy hearts.
but they haven’t told their friends they’re sick of their group of friends. they haven’t.
who has done what i have done?
it’s such a cruel thing that i’ve done, it’s a crime.
i just want them to dump their pain onto my shoulders, let me carry it for a lifetime.
those things don’t happen.
no matter how happy i’ll ever make them, the pain and grief will always be in their hearts, rising again when they remember the harsh words i said to them, the harsh words that rang in their ears, so straightforward and uncaring.
i thought i would at least be one of the good friends they’d made in their 14 years, but instead, i have turned out into the worse one.
i’m worse than people who had backstabbed and lied and acted nice.
i’m worse than anyone in the world.
i want forgiveness from you, the person who finally realised that i’m angry with you. you’re angry with me, you refuse to hear me, you ignore me. i told you, ‘i’m not angry with you.’ i really am. but you pretended not to hear me. when will you forgive? will you forgive if i go down on my knees and begged you? will you keep me on your hate list for the rest of your life and when someone asks you about me, you’ll go, ’she was a damn idiotic bitch who kept saying she was so pissed with me’? go on. continue ignoring. i don’t mind.
i want forgiveness from all of you too.
why the hell am i asking for forgiveness?
me, of all people, who has made everyone so badly affected?
you made me angry, but i should have controlled my temper.
you two went around and i couldn’t stand it, but i should have asked you all.
i shouldn’t have been so rash.
now you’re angry and they’re sad?
i just want you to know that i’m sorry. i don’t mind if you’re angry with me for the rest of your life. i just hope that in future, you will not agitate anyone until you hate them in the end as well.
i just want all of you to know that i am really, really sorry. i’m sorry for the pain and sorrow i caused, the tears you shed, the hole and cracks in the group that cannot be mended anymore.
maybe the cracks were already there.
we just didn’t stop to fix them, cover them. we moved on, thinking we could go on. go on being a group of frends, who would forever be one nice piece of cloth, unlike others, whose cloth is tattered and flying sadly in the wind.
but i was already reaching the limit. the point where we broke.
but now i’ve chopped every one of you up and i don’t have to glue or tape to fix you back.
i’m sorry for being such a stupid piece of glass but i’ve crushed myself too. i’m just a pile of unswept glass on the floor now, waiting for someone to pick the pieces up and throw me into the bin.
perhaps i should just pick myself up and walk to the bin and fling myself in. i don’t deserve any care.
i felt so sad when my dad sent me this message today when he went to Vietnam to work for a few days.
Take care darling. Dad
it’s so nice to know that someone still loves you.
i feel like crying my eyes out.
what is it about me.
i depended on them too much, thought that everything was okay.
thought that they would really and forever be my best friends.
turns out it’s not.
it never will be.
i caused all the trouble.
i’ve caused so much trouble.
it’s my fault for breaking the whole group up.
but i believe it wasn’t really meant to exist.
in the first place…
now i know 5 will never make best friends.
they just make friends that will hang out with you in school.
but i realised, you don’t know anything about them.
you forget their birthdays, you don’t know their personal likes and dislikes and you don’t know what’s on their minds.
i’ve caused so much pain.
stress.
sorrow.
it all hurts now and i wish i hadn’t been so naive in the first place.
now i know.
i learned everything the wrong way, while people are learning it in the right way.
i know they’re suffering inside. why don’t they just say it?
maybe i should just leave, it’ll do everything good, make everyone happy.
it’s just the best way.
i just know, that now, i don’t really have best friends anymore.
i think, after everything and anything i did, they have a reason to hate me.
so my dad’s right: i’m useless.
if i could make them forget everything,
i would.
i didn’t want them to come with me.
i didn’t.
i wanted them to stay in the group, while i roamed around.
i can be some poor lonely soul and die just like that too.
i’m probably meant to be a free spirit.
i can’t be bound to a group that i’m not committed to no longer.
i just want an explanation for this, an explanation for my bad behaviour, to misunderstand and misintepret everything.
i am selfish and totally neglected their feelings.
i was blinded by fury.
and now that it’s gone, i’m left with nothing.
except a bad headache and the guilt that will stay in my gut forever.
i just wanted to be happy again and ended up making everybody sad.
why am i so selfish?
i hurt shiming, xueling…and the two of them i don’t know.
i’m a bad person. i really don’t deserve friends.
i don’t deserve forgiveness.
and i don’t derserve care.
but thank you candy and thank you audrey.
i only want to erase the hurt that i’ve given to them.
the guilt is so overwhelming that when i see you all, i just want to cry.
sorry shiming and sorry xueling.
and sorry clarissa and sorry zhihao.
i got lots of things to say. so i shall be out with them and don’t you dare ask me who the people are unless you’re sure that you have not made me really, really irritated.
1/ you: lakdsicv. acting like some couple with aclnvb. yes, which means to say i am also angry with aclnvb. i am strictly confidential and will not disclose any names unless it’s my best friend who’s asking me. but then, lakdsicv and aclnvb will never be embarrassed by anything, trust me.
2/ you: aclnvb. i’m sad to say this because you’re part of my group of close friends. so is lakdsicv. there. i made it clear. hope that the two of you will know who i’m talking about.
2/ you: piudfn. fine, so i didn’t search for a picture of your instrument to put onto my music content page. you didn’t ave to continue debating and saying my instrument sucks. i tried hiding my frustration, you didn’t see at all. you didn’t see how freaking pissed i was.
3/ you: igkjcgxf. come on, you got YOUR OWN PENCIL CASE. do you have to ask me for a blue pen or ask to use my purple pen? for God’s sake, no one uses purple pen to do their work! bloody hell. shut up during class can or not? wait until i tell zhao lao shi, hopefully he changes your damn place. your pencil case is so empty or what. it’s loads bigger than mine. and do your math worksheet during math afternoon programme and stop talking to yunxun and hongkai. GO AND STOCK UP ON YOUR STATIONERY AND STOP BUGGING ME DURING CLASS BEFORE I SMASH YOUR FACE ONE DAY.
4/ the class? WHY COULDN’T YOU ALL SHUT UP DURING MATH REMEDIAL TODAY? WHY CAN’T YOU ALL SHUT UP EVERY DAY? I DON’T COME TO SCHOOL TO HEAR YOU ALL TALK WHEN THE TEACHERS ARE TRYING TO TEACH. FOR GOD’S SAKE. MY PLACE IS NOT BAD ENOUGH IS IT. IGKJCGXF AND PKJOIGU MAKING JOKES, YUNXUN AND HONGKAI AND GENE SINGING SONGS BEHIND ME, THE REST OF THE CLASS MAKING NOISE OR WHATEVER IN CLASS. I WISH THAT ONE DAY YOU ALL WILL UNDERSTAND HOW IRRITATED I GET EVERYDAY WHEN I SEE THE CLASS MAKING NOISE. I LOVE YOU ALL AND YET, I DISLIKE YOU ALL ALSO. AND I HEAR OTHER TEACHERS SAYING HOW BAD WE ARE. MS KHOO SCOLDED US TODAY. YOU ALL SAY, LET’S DO IT AND SHOW THE TEACHERS WE’RE WRONG. WELL, WE’RE NOT. I DON’T THINK WE EVEN CAN BE BOTHERED. I DON’T THINK WE’RE TRYING AT ALL. COULDN’T WE EVEN KEEP QUIET ONE DAY AND REMIND EACH OTHER TO DO OUR WORK BEFORE THE TEACHER YELLS AT US? IT’S GOOD THAT SOME OF US ARE MAKING AN EFFORT, LIKE CANDY, WHO TOLD US TO GO FOR MUSIC BEFORE MS SEAH SCOLDED US. thanks candy. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE REST? YOU ALL SO NOISY, SOMETIMES I REALLY WANT TO WALK OUT THE CLASS. AS IN WALK OUT AND NEVER COME BACK.
i do love all these people that i’m currently pissed with, but for some reason, they don’t seem to be showing the same love. they just do/ say things that piss me off so badly, i want to tear my hair out and scream in frustration. bloody hell. can you all just try TO UNDERSTAND. please. i know my mind is super complex and sometimes i yell at you all or give you the ‘bugger off, i’m very irritated RIGHT NOW’ face, but you all do that to me all the time. you sit at my place and refuse to move and i have to wait before you shift off. DO YOU KNOW HOW IDIOTIC AND IRRITATING THAT IS?
i joke with you all, laugh, play, smile, cry, enjoy, but now, just seeing you all makes me want to turn away from you all when you talk to me. i may smile to you and you smile back, but it’s really fake. i’m not actually feeling happy. i’m actually thinking of how ignorant you are and how i wish you would just disappear. pkjoigu says i’m having mood swings. so what. like you don’t get mood swings either. i’m feeling bitter and lonely, but then, i’ll get over it. i just don’t know when you all will realise that i’m not there beside you anymore. possibly not in a million years.
i comfort lots of people.
but this time, i give up. i got my studies to worry about and don’t come and talk to me about your problems anymore. i don’t think i can actually make you happy when i’m unhappy. never. lots of people talk to me and as i listen to them, i feel helpless. so that means i’ve dropped to the same level as them: helpless and desperate. they don’t have anyone to show them the way to live again.
let me tell you something: never complain about your problems because they’re actually generated only by someone: YOU. not fate, not luck, not anything but yourself. so remember: the problems you create are for you to solve.
to tell the truth, no one has problems in the first place. you just made them yourself.
my group of friends: lakdsicv, aclnvb and piudfn, don’t bother trying to figure out who you are. it’s definitely you. my patience has its limits, so don’t say i’m indifferent, because i have no emotions to display for anyone to see.
when no more tears fall, you’ll understand and know that i’m no longer human.
