all of a sudden
my stomach plunges
leaving me vacant and scared
how long have i been detached
from the world?
my brain’s not functioning
things just don’t seem to connect
everything seems to blur and dissolve
right before my eyes
i don’t know
what’s wrong with me
what’s happening with everyone
why are they sad,
abandoned,
left behind?
i know nothing of them
and i don’t seem to care
am i being selfish?
or too tired?
either way
i want to care again
i’m just scared
that people will swat me away
and leave me standing there
like a fool
who didn’t care in the first place
about them
but what’s going to happen?
i can’t take risks anymore
not when the world’s dangerous enough
i’m scared to venture out
afraid of rejection
afraid of what people will think of me
afraid that i’ll be left to crumple there
like a pathetic heap
why am i being so weak?
i have to be strong
to care about everyone around me
but for once it won’t work
anymore
i want to try again
but i need courage
i feel like someone little
standing there
on a great expanse of ground,
looking at everyone
from afar
and i feel myself turning
and walking away
even though
my mind is yelling at me
to turn around and face them
what am i avoiding?
what am i scared about?
i don’t want to look into anyone’s eyes
i don’t want to uncover my emotions
they give me away
and betray everyone
i want courage
i want it
to stand up again
and say ‘i’m going to make it.’
i’m going to face reality
going to face pain
no matter how cruel it is
i’ll take it
because i don’t want
to see myself being weak
i don’t want people
to see me being weak
and as i look at everyone’s eyes
i wonder what they’re thinking of me
am i stupid?
cowardy?
where do all the angels go
when you need some companion?
and even though i feel love
i can’t help
but feel alone
i want to help
but i don’t know how to
i want to have emotions again
but i can’t catch them
i feel fake
giving people a smile that’s empty and meaningless
trying hard to be so happy
but failing miserably
and i want to cry
until i can just die
i’m tired
but i want to go on
without any fear
i want bravery
i need bravery
if i had one wish
i’d say i want to make everyone happy
but life never works that way
and hardly anything goes right
i want to tell people, ‘you’re fine.
‘you can go on.
‘you won’t ever be lonely.’
but it’ll all seem wrong
Archive for September 14, 2007
but i can’t catch them
nearing 5
“Humour is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn.”
-Irvin S. Cobb
yeah, i had lots of humour today.
was playing Titanic on the piano in the hall when zhao lao shi came and stood behind. sheesh. then he was like, ‘once more…’ after that i forgot the accompaniment i was supposed to play because he sang quite funnily.
then ate lunch and went to white sands with shiming. when we were about to turn into white sands we saw olivia standing near Cottage Pies. she hung out with us for the rest of the afternoon.
got up to 5th floor and sat down on the seats outside Popular. shiming practised the song that her group was doing for the music performance, Way Back into Love. i sang the girl’s and guy’s parts (Hugh Grant). but it was a bit hard because my voice is not so low.
then we went to library and i remembered what happened the other day when shiming laughed so hard until she fell from the chair. went around the library looking for a seat and eventually settled near the children’s section behind the computers. olivia was hungry because she hadn’t had her lunch and she wanted shiming to accompany her to Cafe Galilee to eat. then at first both of them wanted to buy, then shiming didn’t want because shs didn’t want to get fat. after that we dragged her down to B1. toured Four Leaves looking for bread. then didn’t want anything. shiming went to Water Rise, olivia and i bought some Peel Fresh drink from NTUC. then up to Cottage Pies where olivia got an Oreo cheesecake. i bought green apple ice blended.
then anyway, up to the seats outside Popular again. shiming had gotten some vanilla milkshake and chicken pieces (which i didn’t want to eat because i could see the salt on them and ran away or yelled like crazy when olivia or shiming wanted to give me a piece). after that we went to take neoprints. and we spent almost an hour decorating the pictures because there was no time limit.
then it was nearing 5 so shiming went to take our bags. olivia was dividing the neoprints. i went to the library to see if shiming could manage and immediately started laughing when i saw her because she looked very amusing with all the bags and books. so i took my stuff and all the books that we’d carried in our hands. after that we went home.
and so that ends my totally stupid but funny Friday.
Eternity -Robbie Williams
Close your eyes so you don’t feel them,
They don’t need to see you cry
I can’t promise I will heal you,
But if you want to I will try.
I sing the summer serenade
The past is done, we’ve been betrayed, it’s true.
Someone said the truth will out
I believe without a doubt, in you
You were there for summer dreamin’,
And you gave me what I need.
And I hope you’ll find your freedom,
For eternity, for eternity.
Yesterday when you were walking,
You talked about your Mom and Dad.
What they did had made you happy,
What they didn’t made you sad.
We sat and watched the sun go down,
Picked a star before we lost the moon.
Youth is wasted on the young,
Before you know its come and gone too soon.
You were there for summer dreaming,
And you gave me what I need.
And I hope you’ll find your freedom,
For eternity, for eternity.
I sing the summer serenade,
The past is done, we’ve been betrayed, it’s true.
Youth is wasted on the young,
Before you know its come and gone, too soon.
You were there for summer dreamin’,
And you are a friend indeed.
And I hope you’ll find your freedom,
For eternity.
You were there for summer dreamin’,
And you are a friend indeed.
And I know you’ll find your freedom,
Eventually, for eternity, for eternity.
