i am merely updating my blog to let myself read it.
how rubbishy.
so much homework left, but i don’t really feel like doing anything.
): Cyberganda halfway through, Math going to finish, just started reading a book for 阅读报告 and only began on the blog entries, Social Studies part 1 1/3 through, just need to type out the Geography newspaper reviews…
and that’s all. NOOOOOOOO. i really can die like that. my sister is not done with her work but she’s going out to meet her friends.
i had a quarrel with her yesterday. and we raised our voices at each other at the Giant retail market. marvelous, isn’t it? okay, actually it was all my fault. we saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, selling at $42.90 (!!?), and then they went off, leaving my sis and me still browsing through books (i wasn’t browsing, it was her). i told her that they were going already and you know i get panicky when lost. and who knows how big the retail market is. we could run through shelf after shelf, not finding them. after that i remarked that she was like the younger and slightly less annoying version of our grandmother, who enjoys wondering around when we bring her out and getting lost. anyway, my sis got very mad and so i thought, okay, let her cool down first, then i’ll talk to her. apparently she didn’t cool down when we were looking for microwave rice pots. beside these were egg poachers and i said (in a feeble and lame attempt to converse with her), ‘they’re like the ones we saw in Australia right?’ the ones we were looking at were not those metal rings to make the eggs round back in Australia and she gave me this what-is-wrong-with-you look. ‘No,’ came her chilly reply. anyway, my mum asked what was happening between us and my sis began telling her that i insulted her (’she compared me with that woman!’). i got quite fed up and i said, ‘fine. i let you be angry with me for as long as you want.’ (we were now at the bakeware shelf) that was when we began raising our voices at one another, causing a really heated argument.
we were so mad with each other that:
-i didn’t bother to put the microwave rice pot into the basket she was holding because i knew she’d give me that why-can’t-you-hold-it-yourself look,
-we completely avoided talking to one another at the cashier,
-we were sitting next to each other in the car but we didn’t even talk to each other (i was looking out the window because i was going to cry) and
-we sat next to each other at the dining table but treated like each didn’t exist.
okay. i wasn’t really feeling mad. i know it was all my fault for opening my mouth in the first place. and despite the countless times i’ve quarrelled with so many people, this is the first time i kept tearing after the quarrel. (seems so dramatic and out of place, when the wrong person wants to cry) this was even worse than all my quarrels with shiming–this was cold war. sometimes i really wonder if my parents ever regretted having me as their child. i think they do. that time i made my dad so angry that he told me so.
so if you ever encounter a person like me, do stay away. please stay away, because when i hurt you, you’re going to wish you were never friends with me.
all the times when people said hurtful stuff, i always try to turn it into something good. but now i realise that i’ve actually made myself immune to hurt and turned myself cold. maybe it’s because i just don’t want to face people. too cowardy to let people laugh at me. too scared to face criticism and teasing. and all because i only wanted to prove to myself that i could be strong, just like everybody. all because i wanted to tell everyone that i could do something without messing it up. but everything always goes haywire and i’m ready to tell everyone i surrender. ready to tell everyone that whatever i used to think is all wrong. ready to accept that i really can’t do anything well.
