common tests are coming, i hope i will be able to score well. (except for the fact that i’ve probably already screwed up the Geography common test) i must try and do well for Biology because, according to Mr Mukmien, everyone except one boy and one girl in 3E2 failed the class test and he told us it was supposed to be easy, according to all the teachers who looked at the paper and said ‘confirmed all the students will get A1!’. so anyway, we have to do really well for the common test to salvage whatever we can. *&^%$#@! i’m so angry with myself.
i made a lot of people angry today. first it was this young woman at the library sitting close to where selene, shiming and i were. selene and shiming kept poking and tickling me and then i was telling them to stop it because i was afraid we were disturbing the young woman by making so much noise. i was also scared of the fact that, if we made too much noise, she would complain to our school and Mr Gng will sure announce out loud (which will be so embarrassing). anyway, i think we really irritated her, because she got up and walked away, presumably to find a quieter place to read. i knew she wasn’t leaving the library yet because she did not walk in the direction of the exit and i told selene and shiming. but they were not very concerned and merely said, ‘it’s her who wants to walk away, so let her be.’ but i feel so bad that we annoyed her. i’m sorry, the dear lady in the library. i didn’t mean to disrupt your reading time.
then it was another woman at Four Leaves. she looked like she was in her early 40s. shiming was looking at the small bread that was sold at 1 for $0.65, 3 for $1.80 and 5 for $2.80. then i was standing in front of them and suddenly i heard an ‘Excuse me’ coming from behind. startled, i turned around and saw that woman. she was frowning and her face was so serious and i got quite scared. she looked fierce. i’m not sure if she was agitated or if her face is just naturally like that.
next was my dad. my parents were going to leave for some company dinner-and-dance so my dad had to cook some dinner for us. so i was suggesting why not we ownself cook and they go and enjoy themselves but he said he will cook something fast for us so i didn’t really worry. i opened all my Biology stuff and began doing my notes. then he called me to come and drink juice and wash the blender (the container). at first i wasn’t so agitated. so i obeyed and then went back to my notes. after that he called me to wash some more stuff again. i did. and then he asked me to come to the kitchen again. this time i was really irritated. wouldn’t you be too if you were trying to do your work properly and people keep asking you to do this do that? i lost my temper and was like ‘WHAT?’ in front of him. i went to the kitchen trying not to look agitated, but apparently it failed because he saw. he got angry and went, ‘you said you wanted to cook right?’ then, ‘you don’t want to cook forget it.’ then he went to the room to freshen up and he kept slamming the door. after that my mum came down and was asking my sister what was my dad grumbling and complaining about. (she didn’t ask me because i was in the toilet but i heard all that) so my sis told her and then when i came out and my mum saw me, she said, ‘please la, don’t like that. tomorrow is Saturday.’ what she meant was by making my dad angry before the weekend, he would be angry for the whole weekend and make everyone’s life like hell.
so it’s totally my fault that my dad may be totally agitated for the whole weekend. thanks to my impatience and rashness. if only i’d tried controlling my temper. sometimes i don’t feel like coming home. it’s because of my dad. whatever i try to do, he will scold. he will say that we’re too slow and we have no initiative. every time it’s those few words. sometimes i don’t know why he still bother to look after us, because yesterday he said, ‘frankly, i don’t like coming home. every time you also don’t listen to me.’ (referring to my brother) ‘do you all ever appreciate what i’ve done for you all?’ then he was slamming all the pots and plates and when i went to throw something later, i saw a broken bowl in the bin.
i think about Odelia, about Shiming, and i realise that i have a pretty decent family. so why can’t i appreciate them? why can’t i learn to treat them nicely? i don’t want to be the type to regret for eternity when something bad happens (i’m not referring to anything specific). i want to learn to treasure now, to appreciate. but then i don’t know why. i just can’t bring myself to do it, being the stupid ungrateful person i am. which is why i have some problems as to how to repay them for all the good stuff they have given to and done for me.
please, what do i do? i wish i was that bowl that my dad broke and tossed into the bin. i really belong there.
