my blog is dead. okay whatever, who cares. a week of holidays has passed and i feel really drained. damn. surviving 2008 is harder than i thought. i thought i could handle everything, but i’m wrong. i can’t even keep up with whatever anyone is saying. half the time i just wish someone would shoot me and let everything come to an end. i wouldn’t mind. i am very unlovable and i think lots of people would love killing me. hmm. why am i feeling stressed? i feel really irritated…just can’t seem to get hold of myself. would love it if someone tried to save me now. this is so dizzying. does it look like a jumble of words to you? well, it is. there’s no denying it. I FEEL STUPID AND USELESS. whatever. it’s no use ’shouting’ here cos no one will see. feels nice ranting out and yet at the same time not disturbing or affecting anyone. this is one real advantage of no one reading whatever i write. i feel like a real lunatic, babbling on and on to myself in this empty space, with no one to hear or see. i wonder if i’m really crazy. really going mad. everything is spinning out of control again and i’m not going to try and stop them. i don’t care if i go ICU, i don’t care if you don’t like me AND I DON’T CARE IF I’M GOING TO FALL. you make me feel weaker and it’s as though i’m not weak enough, you have to go and make me feel even more like a pile of dirt that everyone wouldn’t bother about. i’m sure you’re talking bad about me now, go ahead and continue. i should have turned around yesterday and scolded you for making our BM look like a fool standing there. how come you don’t have the guts to call our ex-BM dumb and yet you dare to call the current BM dumb? and you’re the most freaking petty and g** and s****fied guy that i’ve ever met in my whole life. and the way you walk, it’s like strutting like a model, so why don’t you go to the freaking runway and dress up in Gucci or Prada and have Manolo Blahniks on your feet? i’m sorry, but i can’t stand people like you who badmouth people and spoil people’s reputation. and, HA-HA, i hate to tell you this, but you’re merely making your life worse by disliking everyone you meet. so don’t go around badmouthing people whom you thought just made your life worse, cos you just twisted everything up yourself. “you’re asking a dumb question, so you’re dumb.” ASSHOLE. i may burn in hell for talking bad about you, but whatever. try making someone look like a fool, you’ll be an even bigger fool in the end. and i will laugh at you for it.
i may just be the secretary and do not really scold you all, but that does not mean you all can go and take advantage of me or whatever. when i tell you all to stop talking or look at you when you’re laughing or talking, IT MEANS I WANT YOU TO STOP. don’t be such an idiot and shut your mouth and then start talking the next time mr or mrs chua silences the band. have a bit of discipline, will you? ALL OF YOU. go and have some common sense knocked into all your senseless brains. stupid. like to give attitude some more. maybe if you all learn to cooperate with the leaders we wouldn’t feel so stressed and hopeless. why don’t you try standing in our concert master’s shoes? or the band major’s? THINK IT’S SO EASY TRYING TO MAINTAIN DISCIPLINE IS IT? stop trying to push them and the drum major to their limits okay. wait until you make them cry and they can’t stop. then you go and say sorry, but it’ll be too damn late, because you’ve already done the damage.
and if i’m confusing you, it means that you just don’t get it. GROW UP. stop acting like babies. don’t whine or scream or throw a tantrum. everyone’s sick and tired of it.
